I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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