Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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