Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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