Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
