Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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