ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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