Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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