I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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