my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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