Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
