I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
