My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
