LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
