apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
