i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
