Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
