Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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