i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
