I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
