not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
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You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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