i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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