My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
