a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The power of my boobs compel you
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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