You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
