Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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