I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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