I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
why is half of my head shaved?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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