Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
