I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
