My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
