3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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