I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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