listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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