I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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