I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
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i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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