if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
