If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
