Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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