is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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