just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
