Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
