Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
