Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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