I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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