That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We have started to decorate penises.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
