Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
time to smoke my breakfast
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
