2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
