I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
