It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
