he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
