the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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