woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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