Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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