I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
