i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
